Past Tense

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. Dengan izin Allah, aku ditawarkan kerja di tempat itu. Tapi dengan izin Allah juga, Allah buka hijab hijab yang terselindung. In the end, I turned down the job offer. Its ok, pat on my back; at least aku dapat pengalaman attending online interview dan juga pengalaman berurusan dengan HR. Jadi sekarang, aku kena atur strategi baru, dan aku cuba follow advice my best companion, slowly dan take one step in a time.  Entah kenapa perasaan lega bertandang sedangkan aku yang membenarkan diri sendiri terjebak. Haha. Alhamdulillah thumma Alhamdulillah. 

 "At 30 you finally start to catch up to those dreams you’ve been chasing for the last 10 plus years." Pada usia 30 an ni, aku dapat tamparan hebat dalam kehidupan. Allah ilhamkan berjuta juta idea dan pemikiran yang perlu di consider dalam perjalanan hidup sebagai hamba tuhan.  Semuanya bermula dari sebuah kereta. Well kaki F memang dah makin teruk, and we expect it to expire in 2 years time. So untuk menjadi bini yang solehah, aku terfikir untuk upgrade kereta manual dia tu jadi kereta auto sempena birthday beliau next year. Bila nak beli barang yang kena hutang lama ni, memang tabiat aku, aku akan risik sungguh sungguh apa minat tuan badan, kewangan dan segala aspek berkenaan kereta, and suddenly the train of thought tu sampai kan kehidupan kami 20 tahun akan datang. Aku jadi terfikirkan keazaman membara aku sejak kecil untuk memiliki sebuah klinik sendiri. Aku memang berhajat besar, dan keinginan tu memang aku dah tanam sejak aku sekolah lagi. Aku nak kerja sendiri. Reaso...

Well that's a good start! Since I started my online business, well being a dropshipper is a real deal too, (though it sounds like you are basically running others business but who cares? I got some profit as well and the golden experience from it before having my own line of products,) I started to get serious with my instagram account, and I have few of it actually. My real life page and the business page.   If you are an instagram user, you will get the idea why people start selling using instagram. It is basically a place where people look for cool pictures, and everyone loves pictures, added with some empowering captions and hashtags that are helpful to search for certain categories that you are interested in. it is a great place to introduce your product. And I did exactly that, selling my products through instagram, and became an instagram addict.  But it is actually so hard to get true followers except for those who follows you back after you follow...

Alhamdulillah bila dapat soalan macam ni, acik tak rasa sendu ataupun menyesal atau segala yang berkaitan dengan perasaan negatif tersebut, malah dengan bangganya acik akan cakap, RINDU!  rindu nak buat C-Section,  rindu adrenaline rush lari lari sampai semput/ jatuh tergolek,  rindu nak dengar suara babies crying out loud lepas dah lepas keluar dari perut ibu,  rindu staffs yang baik baik tu,  Tapi walaupun rindu tak semestinya acik mahukan itu semua dalam hidup ni dah. That was just one pit stop, serve as memory and considered as best experience in life. Alhamdulillah I am liking my new routine, which I live by heart now. Banyak benda acik boleh belajar, banyak benda acik boleh bagi tumpuan, terlalu banyak benda acik mampu resume lepas kerja. I am born to be a doctor, and I will be one, but that does not mean I can only be a doctor. I am also something elses I want to be. And by choosing this path, Alhamdulillah I can be all that I want to ...

Evaluating my life right now, and letting go of the thing I held on for almost 2 years. For whats worth. What are the important things to weigh? Family, Health especially for my husband, Children's Education, Money In my state of life right now, I cannot sustain family, health and children's education. Money is okey because of the work I am enduring now to get that. Am I happy? I am not. Why am I not happy? 1. Its too tiring, too demanding 2. This work consume all of me, and I have to still use myself for any other things that are very important in my life ie my husband and my kids well being 3. I am not happy as this is exactly not a kind of doctor I wanted to be. I realised that I survived this for this long because of the people along the journey. And the people slowly fading away, and it has taken a toll on me now. How am I going to survive for myself and for others if major of my life gives me headache? And something struck my head real hard, this a...

Kali ni raya biasa biasa je. Semangat raya hanya kerana anak anak and parents, sebab tahun ni alhamdulillah raya sebelah kemaman pulak, anddddd *drumrollll*  acik dapat cuti raya!  Makcik sangat gembira dan berterima kasih pada kawan kawan berlainan bangsa dan agama yang sanggup berkorban untuk kami. You ollss so sweet thank you so much friends!! First time sambut bulan Ramadhan as a bussiness woman, and it aint easy my friends. Siang memang makcik busy sesungguh kat hospital and actually I am not really comfortable to do bussiness matter di dalam waktu kerja. Kalau yang drop off barang atau yang makcik bawak ready stock tu lain cerita sebab tak perlu mengadap fon 24hours.  My actual job really needs me to focus you know, so kalau makcik lambat reply please jangan terasa atau bersangka yang tidak tidak, huhu. Memang sangat tough I donno how you guys can handle itttt. Especially when you are handling hot selling items seperti Bawal Arabella dePre...

Sebab aku perempuan, dan pesakit aku semua nya perempuan. Women only. Exclusive kan? Macam tulah Allah jaga aku, with His own ways. Heyy bukan senang aku nak cool je dengan tittle MO O&G ni. Makan dalam bertahun kot. Sobs. Dari student benci gila subjek O&G, sekarang amekau. Sobs lagi sekali. Being in this department wasn't my choice. Family person macam aku ni akan minta dijauhi dari O&G sumpah tak tipu, tapi nak wat acanerr aku insan terpilih. Lepas kena campak kat sini memang jatuh terduduk, tergolek, terdampar. Sampai sekarang masih cuba buang dendam pada dia yang campak aku kat lubang gelap ni walaupun sebenarnya dah agak agak boleh terima hakikat. Kalau terserempak dengan dia mesti akan terngiang ngiang ayat I resent you  Fuhh dia punya dendam tak hengat. Tak pernah aku berdendam macam ni seuumur hidup. Now slowly tengah buang dendam sebab dah boleh terima kenyataan, KOT. Kenapa aku tak suka/ separa benci pada O&G? Sebabnye ...

Semorang ada bahagia masing masing.  Ada yang bahagia ada duit banyak,  ada yang bahagia ada rumah banyak and boleh sewakan kat orang,  ada orang bahagia bila ada kereta besar, bini lawa, boleh travel keliling dunia. Bahagia aku, bila boleh spend masa dengan anak anak.  Ada yang kata perempuan kalau dah kerja tak betah duduk rumah jaga anak, tapi aku rasa aku berbeza. Memang lah kadang kadang bertukar jadi mak ko ijo bila anak buat perangai, tapi bila tak dapat jumpa, peluk, cium, dengar nafas waktu tidur, mandikan, basuh berak, berjaga tengah malam sebab tetiba mood dia nak main bola pukul 1 pagi, aku memang boleh jadi separuh gila. Bila anak jauh, rasa diri macam depresi. Nak bangkit pon malas. Macam meroyan pon ada. Tetiba air mata menitik. Sejak ada anak, I've tasted it all. Perasaan tinggal anak lepas pantang,  mak jagakan anak,  hantar anak nursery,  anak ikut nenek outstation,  terpaksa pjj dengan anak....

Since few people asked me what is it about that makcik so here it goes. To those who really know me must be in shock to learn I hired a maid. I am an OCD trait woman, so everything must go according to my criteria. How on earth can I handle a maid kan. And maybe thats the reason she left haha. Main reason for us hiring her was because we have 2 boys already. Maybe we were overwhelmed of that fact. 2 boys. Macam mana nak handle? What if one of us oncall, so only one of us will be managing the boys alone?   The every morning drama before school is now doubled??   We couldn't find any daycare for below 2yo.  No intake towards the end of the year. So for that, I asked around about getting one, the risks and precautions I have to take. Cut story short, we were so happy to have her working for us, and honestly I couldn't find any flaws in her work. I watched her took care of zufar, I trained her to do house chores my way because hers was too .. hm su...

I deserve a holiday. Yes you hear me right, a holiday. Like a vacation to some quiet and nice place. Just me and my little family. It would be a bless to not have to deal with any tantrums. Just my boys being on their best behaviour. And a nice massage to relieve the soreness I've been having. Ahh.. Hot bath, I need those so badly. Candle light dinner with great food and it definitely will taste better if I manage to enjoy the savoury taste peacefully. Watching the boys running by the sea, making sea castle before I destroyed them with 3 buckets of sand and 1 bucket of water. Enjoying the warm breeze while drinking cold beverage. Swaying on a swing would be great too. Have a long decent chat with my husband, making future plans, snuggle and cuddle. Add in some romance. Imagining this make me so happy already I can't wait to have one.  Need to save money on a nice trip definitely because right now, I feel like a walking zombie. - Posted using BlogPres...

Ada yang minta tulis kisah berpantang di blog, maka terjadilah entri ini walaupun lambat dan diri ku sudah seminggu habis pantang. Biasalah mak anak dua memang macam ni, kalau boleh satu hari tu nak ada 10 jam je biar cepat sikit dorang besar. Nampak macam remeh kan, anak dua JE, ada maid pulak tu, so should be no problem la kan. Heheh. Cakap pandang pandang kak. Kalau tak pernah cuba atau alami, baik diam sebelum perkataan yang keluar dari mulut kau mengubah takdir hidup kau. Giteww. Kahkah. S o how was it at home with them? My daily routine goes almost like this everyday; woke up at -- whenever my little one decided to. Klau dia rasa nak bangun pkl 6, maka my day starts at 6. Kalau dia decides to wake up at 8 then I got some extra sleep. had breakfast; after I bf the baby while layan-ing the toddler tengah panjat kerusi then berkuak lentang atas meja. Kadang kadang kak ida (my maid) will take him for morning walk so that I can eat peacefully but most of the time it ended...

So....Normal ke celah tingkap? Soalan biasa bila orang tau kita dah beranak. Kadang kadang diorang ni takde pon tanya ibu ok ke anak sihat ke, yang dia sibuk nak tau method ape kau keluarkan anak tu, 😂 Pastu, ulasan seterusnya boleh jadi mencabar kepada emosi ibu ibu yang dah bersalin ni. Kalau yang bersalin sizer biasanya berbunyi begini - ha punggung kecik la tu anak tak lepas. Nasib baik punggung aku besar. Ooo anak kau keluar kot punggung? - Ni mesti sebab tak pandai teran ni. Pergi kelas antenatal x? Kalau pergi memang konfem beranak normal eh? - Anak besar sangat la tu. Dulu masa mengandung suka makan ais ke? Oh mungkin makan ais anak jadi kembang sebab dia pon sama kunyah ais dalam perut. 🤣 Kalau beranak normal pulak - Ha bolehla beranak lagi taun depan. Kalau beranak normal takpe anak rapat rapat. Kau ingat aku kilang buat anak? - Biasa kalau beranak normal ni cepat recover. Oh ye eh? Habistu kalau beranak normal ni dia sejenis yang cepat sembuh sebab mengandung 9 hari je eh?...

Ni bukan kisah novel cinta macam "Hero Puan Snow White" or "Suamiku Seorang Medical Officer", ni kisah benar suka duka perjalanan aku laki bini nak mencari maid untuk jaga anak anak waktu kami keluar mencari sesuap nasi. Sejak mula pregnantkan ZR lagi aku memang dah fikir pasal benda ni. Mula mula fikir jelaa kan tapi as perut makin memboyot, keseriusan tu dah perlu ada. At first we were at ease jugak sebab masa tu tak dapat placement lagi. So duk fikir nak hantar taska sama dengan ZH. Even when the first result were announced and F was assigned to Pahang, we were not that worried because F appealed for placement at Terengganu and we were quite confident that it would be granted considering I was in 3rd trimester. Little did we know, berbekalkan alasan sebegitu, akhirnya dengan aku skali kena heret placement di Pahang. Yeaay to us. Lol. Jadinya menggelabahlah dua orang hamba Allah memikirkan nasib si anak sulung dan bayi dalam kandungan. Sungguh, hati aku berat sebe...

Done with housemanship Alhamdulillah. Now focus on being a wife and a mom. Hari hari berdua dengan ZH were tiring. Dah tak tahu nak buat aktiviti ape. Sebabnye budak ni kan lelaki, selagi mata dia celik, kau memang tak kan nampak dia duduk diam kecuali time dia teran berak. Selebihnya berlari kesana kemari. Sambil makan pon boleh berlari keanak anakan. Alhamdulillah for healthy, strong, active and cheeky boy. Boy sorang lagi dalam peyut ni tak tahulah macam mana. Gaya macam abang tu dah ade dah sejak dalam kandungan lagi. Mohon bertabahlah suami melayan ye. Ibu dah beranak babah pulak melayan muahaha. So this nesting instinct had been haunting me since we moved to Pahang. But due to lack of time, and weekend pahang dan terengganu adalah berbeza so it was hard for me to unbox things, prepare nursery for ZR (this is so sad) and do house deco. Sekarang bila ada masa, adalah tidak larat pula. Perut dah kedepan sangat, asyik mengah tambah tambah bulan puasa, so 1 box per day je mampu bua...

Woman and suprises. Who doesn't love them suprises?? Ekceli dulu dulu aku adalah manusia yang paling tak suka kejutan. Rasa macam erghh apeni tak suka lah surprise surprise ni, tak tahulah nak reaksi macam mana erghh kenapa kenapa nak kena bagi surprise buat jelah macam biasa tak payah nak surprise surprise gitew.  Tapi bila dah makin tua ni lain pulak perangainya. Kekadang berangan sendiri dapat surprise dari encik laki. kahkah. Biasa lah orang pjj meroyan sikit. Surprise yang diharapkan tak lain tak bukan, bila balik rumah je tersembul wajah tenang encik suami. Begitulah hendaknya. Tapi dah nama pon suprise kan so of course lah takkan berlaku hari hari. Kalau ada maksudnya kau bermimpi.  Kalau dulu sebelum kahwin aku selalu risau macam mana nak react kalau suami buat surprise. Terjadinya fikiran macam ni adalah sebab dia pernah buat surprise bagi hadiah besar gabak out of nothing, maksudnye time tu takde event special pon. Tapi laki aku ni pon boleh ...

Bila aku korek korek balik, rupanya dah 8 tahun usia blog aku ni, kalau budak ni maksudnya dah masuk darjah dua, kahkah. Tua sudah aku ni. Anak pun dah nak masuk dua. Looking back at all those times, I never thought my life will turn out like this. Sungguhlah, Allah sebaik perancang. Banyak yang patut aku syukurkan. Counting my blessings - Graduated medical school on June/2014 - Married to my other half on August/2014 - Gave birth to perfect putera kayangan August/2015 - Expecting another putera kayangan 2017 - Soon to finish my Ho-ship Of all that, the least expected was getting married to F. I never thought of him as someone I would call a husband, he was actually never fit in my husband material list haha. But that was loooong time ago, now I am the luckiest woman to have him. Budak-botak-pakai-sweater-besar-bawak-motor-tak-pakai-topi-keledar. So this was how I remember him before we were so involved and then got married. :D He was so naive, looked like a boy who just finished his S...

Lately ni banyak sangat orang post and share pasal house officers. Ada yang mengutuk, tak kurang juga yang mem 'back up' (oh just please spare me my language. I kinda forgot how to blog, antenatal brain lah katakan kahkah) kami kami para junior doctors.  Out of the posts yang aku baca, satu kesimpulan aku dapat buat ialah, semua ni takkan jadi isu kalau sesama kita menghargai jawatan dan kedudukan masing masing. Contoh paling mudah ialah,  Kau expect houseman cepat pick up, cepat pandai buat sesuatu tapi, cuba kau tenung dan renung dalam dalam, kau pernah tak tunjuk penghargaan kepada seorang house officer yang terkial kial cuba belajar tu? Kita ni kan manusia, manusia suka akan benda yang indah indah termasuklah perkataan indah. Kalau kau pernah berada dalam situasi terkial kial buat sesuatu dan seseorang datang cakap you're doing great, ape perasaan kau? Kalau akulah kan, aku akan cuba buat betul betul great so that orang yang bagi semangat tu tak menyesal bagi a...

Dah setahun 5 bulan umur putera kayangan yang turun ke dunia penghibur ibu babah. Dah makin besar dah banyak perangai, banyak emotion, kuat merajuk (mungkin sebab selalu kena tinggal). Alhamdulillah senang sangat sangat nak jaga ZH ni. Tak banyak ragam. Asalkan perut dia kenyang, and layan dia time mandi elok elok maka tenanglah hari anda untuk hari itu. Cuma yang jadi masalah sekarang ialah time nak hantar dia pergi school. Allah saje yang tahu remuknye hati ibu bila dia nangis mintak tolong. Bila cikgu hantar gambar pon, riak muka dia macam tak gembira. Huhu. Takpe sayang. Bertabah sikit jelagi ea. Nanti Boleh duk celah tiyak ibu je. Sikit je lagi. Sikitttt je lagi 😂 - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Isu homebirth ni tak habis habis. Kadang kadang aku jadi meroyan sendiri bila tengok keberanian ibu ibu kat luar sana nak beranak without any supervision dari medical personnel. Dalam hati membuak buak perasaan, terjerit jerit sorang sorang. Geram tahu?! Pastu yang selalu practise home birth ni merepek repek dia punya fakta tu. Kadang kadang sampai aku sendiri jadi amazed, how the hell a person without medical background could have such courage to introduce stupid idea to the society. Pastu aku duk geram je baca pasal doula ni. Doula ni macam perempun teragung sangat untuk mereka mereka yang pernah home birth dan terselamat. Doula. Apebenda doula tu sebenarnya? Cuba define kan kat aku ape maksud orang yang nama pekerjaannya doula ni. Yang aku tahu doula adalah seseorang yang ditugaskan memberi kata kata semangat kat ibu yang nak terberanak, bukannya penasihat perubatan. "a trained professional who provides continuous physical, emotional and informational support to a mother before...

Still adapting to this mommyhood, still adapting that I have the power to make this little human stop crying 😂 and still adapting to be a good post partum mom in confinement. Damn hard. Susah betul nak tahan nafsu makan. I hope to shed some kgs post delivery and so far I have lost about 10 kg but still not even close to my initial weight 😭 F is in tagging mode so he is working 16hours per day since past 2 weeks. His tagging period will end in another 4 days so I have to bear a little longer so that he can also take care of Lil Z at night time.  I wish to write on Lil Z delivery journey tapi nanti lah dulu. Not in the mood to write long post. Meheheh.  Baby's crying. Roger and out.