Saiko

I wonder what had gotten into me before when I used to fight so strong just to be in this course. Babah agak tak suka saya amek course ni. Babah cakap, "You'll have no life." and "Once you step in that field, its equal to learn throughout ur whole life". Tapi saya yang dulu tak kesah ngan semua benda yang babah cakap. As long as he still supports me walaupun selalu cakap keburukan amek medic, I keep my head held high. Tak pandang belakang dah. I made my decision and that's it. No turning back.

Tapi sekarang saya jadi keliru. Can I do this? Am I fit enough to be a good doctor? Can I diagnose correctly? Can I treat the patient the way I'm taught? Can I be like my lecturers who are super awesome? Can I? Bimbang. Keliru. Sometimes I feel like giving up. Rasa macam tak layak. Tengok semorang dah progress but me? Still kat takuk yang lama. Even worse, dah turun beberapa anak tangga.

I tried to talk to my close friends abut this. But no help at all. They just said "You can do it," , "Come on! U'r almost half way thru, takkan nak give up skarang?" , "Like seriously?? Where's the old high spirited afi?" and bla bla bla. On that particular time I don't think I can respond to that kind of motivation instead, I really need to hear someone saying "U'r not going to be a good doctor. U'r just going to kill tons of patients, better give up. Stop trying, stop struggling. Off to home, live happily."

And miraculously someone said that to me. Tetiba je semangat tu macam mencanak naik. Rasa macam tercabar. Rasa macam nak jerit, "hoi kau ingat aku ni lembab sangat ke? Kau ingat aku ni bodoh sangat ke?" Ha gitu. Thats the spirit that I miss. That's the spirit that I need. Kata kata tu berjaya buat saya buka mata, buka telinga, buka mulut dan buka segala benda yang boleh bantu saya progress to be a better doctor in the making.

Ok so what's the point of this entry?

Just want to point out that each person have different kind of ways to motivate him/herself. Kekadang nice words just don't work at all. So, just be tough. Plus, bila lagi nak apply reverse psycho kan? Apa salahnya sekali sekala berlagak jadi psychiatrist. Heheh.