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Quick post RAYD

Last Saturday I went to spend some time with the orphans at 
Rumah Anak Yatim Dengkil.
Seriously bila sampai sana afi rasa satu perasaan.
Tak tau cemana nak gambarkan perasaan tu tapi waktu tu out of blue terasa cam nak nangis.
Pastu rasa cam tak selesa and rasa cam nak kol mama babah pastu rasa cam nak lari balik rumah.
Waktu solat asar kat surau afi rasa sangatsangat tak tenang. 
But then after solat, afi rasa afi da tau cemana nak describe perasaan tu.
Perasaan yang takut KEHILANGAN.
Afi takut bila fikir that one day orang yang afi sayang pon akan pergi macam makayah dorang. Allah. Tak sanggup rasanya.

Sedih sesangat bila tengok bebudak tu.
Ekspresiekspresi dorang sangat unik. Susah nak nampak kat budakbudak biasa.
Mungkin keistimewaan tu ada sebab dorang da lalui macammacam kepahitan kesusahan and segala macam kesukaran sepanjang hidup dorang.
Ada adik umur 4 tahun tapi da jadi yatim piatu.
Terbayang plak Syafiqah waktu umur 4 tahun. Makan bersuap, mandi pon berteman. Pakai seluar pon perlu bantuan orang. Tapi dorang? Ustaz Syukry cakap dorang dilatih ntuk berdikari. Baju pon dorang cuci sniri. 
ya Allah, kuatnya mereka.

Afi terfikir apa agaknya perasaan dorang bila dapat result cemerlang tapi takde siapa yang akan share good news tu? Takde sape yang akan tunjuk muka bangga sambil pandang jiran and cakap dalam hati "hei anak aku dapat nombor satu". Then ada penyampaian hadiah pulak kat skolah, sape nak tangkap gamba dorang waktu amek hadiah? 
Sape nak sambut dorang waktu turun pentas after da amek hadiah  sambil cakap, "makayah bangga ngan kamu nak" 
Apa perasaan dorang bila tengok orang lain pegi skolah salam and cium makayah before masuk kelas?
Apa perasaan dorang bila kawankawan citecite pasal waktu bukak pose and main mercun samasama ngan makayah tapi dorang terpaksa bukak pose ngan saudara seumur yang kehilangan makayah jugak?
And waktu raya. Waktu orang lain salam peluk cium makayah. Pakai baju baru yang makayah pilih. Dapat duit raya dari makayah. Cemana dorang hadapi semua tu ek?  Allah. Kuatnya dorang.
Kuatnya mental dan fizikal budak umur 4 tahun tu berbanding afi yang da tua kerepot ni. isskk.
Ya Allah panjangkanlah umur kedua ibu bapaku. Amin.

Feeyah once said: Fatin, u can deal with bad news quite well but when it comes to ur parents, u will drop down and breathless.
Ye betul tu. And one more thing, I will go insane when someone who is always around me, teasing me, talking to me, is not in my sight anymore. Rasa cam tak lengkap dunia. Hilang melayang separuh jiwa. Oh.

Satu hikmah waktu afi pegi sana ialah Allah temukan afi ngan someone yang punya gaya sejibik macam feeyah. Cara cakap, cara mengusik, cara pandang, muka eksaited dia bila dia story something kat afi, semuanya la. SAMA. Terkeluar sket air mata bila dia peluk afi waktu salam ukhwah. Rasa cam doludolu waktu slalu kena peluk ngan feeyah. And this girl, dia cium afi macam feeyah cium afi. Mulamula agak tekujat gak cos family ngan feeyah je penah wat camtu. Terasa cam terisi balik separuh bahagian yang kosong tu. Alhamdulillah. Allahuakbar. Thank you Allah. 


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Saiko

I wonder what had gotten into me before when I used to fight so strong just to be in this course. Babah agak tak suka saya amek course ni. Babah cakap, "You'll have no life." and "Once you step in that field, its equal to learn throughout ur whole life". Tapi saya yang dulu tak kesah ngan semua benda yang babah cakap. As long as he still supports me walaupun selalu cakap keburukan amek medic, I keep my head held high. Tak pandang belakang dah. I made my decision and that's it. No turning back. Tapi sekarang saya jadi keliru. Can I do this? Am I fit enough to be a good doctor? Can I diagnose correctly? Can I treat the patient the way I'm taught? Can I be like my lecturers who are super awesome? Can I? Bimbang. Keliru. Sometimes I feel like giving up. Rasa macam tak layak. Tengok semorang dah progress but me? Still kat takuk yang lama. Even worse, dah turun beberapa anak tangga.  I tried to talk to my close friends abut this. But no help at all....

..It feels weird.

Perasaan pelik. Rasa happy but in the meantime rasa sedih waktu tengok gambar cousins aku yang berdua itu. We were so close when we were little girls tapi sekarang, masing masing dah ada hidup sendiri. Hala tuju sendiri. Semalam kak D kahwin. Gambar dah upload sikit kat facebook. Nak keluar air mata aku yang mentengok ni. Belum lagi mak long. Huish. Susah kan jadi mak? Jadi sila hargai ibu anda. Dan tadi jugak, sempat mengusha gambar kak S bertunang. Rasa macam ada rama rama dalam perut. Rasa macam nak jerit wah cantiknya kuat kuat and rasa cam nak cakap eee jelesnya. Motif? Heheh. So moral of the story is, semua dah besar panjang. Dah ada tanggungjawab masing masing. I hope everything about us won't change. How I wish adults don't have to create such barrier ya know. The barrier when they already have their own family and they seems to depart off from the big family. I hate that. Apa aku merepek ni? Ok tu je, assalamualaikum

Aku dan Lipas.

I had terrible night last night. Siangnya pon agak terible jugakla. Dengan suara garau and muka yang hitam, kepala pusing plus temperature of 38.5 I could barely move. Bedridden. Weehu. And what make it worse? LIPAS. Had 2 scenes with lipas. First was, I found a freaking damn dead cockroach in my mihun tomyam. Imagine: I was like hungry to death and the cafe took like ages to deliver my food. Bila dah sampai I just dug in the food without doing the routine check. Suapan ke dua, I felt something strange about the tomyam. Rasa macam pelik. But keeps on eating cos LAPAR. On my 3rd suapan, I saw something weird floating on the spoon and as I took closer look, I screamed like it was no tomorrow. ADAKAH AKU TELAH MEMAKAN TOMYAM PERASA LIPAS? Omjayyyy!!! Called the cafe and explained the situation to a worker. Dengan pelat indon and bahasa melayu yang kurang mantapnya itu, she kept on asking whether I still kept the lipas I found in her tomyam. Seriously I feel like shouting at her on her f...