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10/10/2010

Wah cantikkan tarikh harini? heheheh. 

Lately saya mengalami kekurangan motivasi yang melampau. Cemane ye?
Kekadang macam ada fikiran jahat lagi kejam maupun bersifat keiblisan "kenapalah aku susahsusah masuk sini amek course ni?" Huh. Syaitonirrajim keturunan keberapa ntah yang dah berjaya hasut fikiran saya. Iskk.



Mungkin sebab lately banyak sangat dugaan dan cabaran kat college di'ajinamoto'kan lagi ngan masalah kawankawan yang kurang bertanggungjawab which makes me go crazy setiap kali cakap pasal benda alah tuh. Ingatlah kawan, BE RESPONSIBLE. Or else you will risk your reputation. Kata nak jadi dokter. Responsible itulah elemen paling penting. 
*Oh afi, sila tilik diri sendiri juga*

Mungkin sebab lately saya diuji dengan markah yang rendah-nasib-baik-tak-fail. Aishhh. Sedihlah. Saya dah usaha tapi kenapa jadi macam tu? Iskk.
Agaknya sebab saya asyik leka, that's why Allah tarik nikmat tu. Anggaplah itu satu hint wahai afi so that kamu lebih berusaha dan tak berada di comfort zone sahaja. Rindulah kat diri saya yang dulu. Rindu rindu rindu.

Atau mungkinkah sebab lately saya dah tak kuat macam dulu. Eh kenapa ek? Apa physiological process yang buat badan saya jadi camtu ye? Kalau duludulu saya boleh tolong mama angkut tong gas yang KOSONG tu *sila percaya* tapi sekarang, pegang plastic bag yang ada susu kotak besar seketul pon dah wat tangan saya menggeletar satu hari. Iskk. Allah, janganlah ditarik nikmat kekuatan tu lagi. Pelishh. I really need it. Iskk.

Flashback balik isi isi penting yang saya tulis waktu exam before masuk siusiemmes ni. Soalannye "Why do you want to be a doctor?" Eh ape yang saya merepek dalam essay tuh ye? Tengok tengok penyakit lupa datang lagi. Ish ish ish. Oklah saya mau pegi bertapa dalam gua fikirfikirfikir, 
assalamualaikum 
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Saiko

I wonder what had gotten into me before when I used to fight so strong just to be in this course. Babah agak tak suka saya amek course ni. Babah cakap, "You'll have no life." and "Once you step in that field, its equal to learn throughout ur whole life". Tapi saya yang dulu tak kesah ngan semua benda yang babah cakap. As long as he still supports me walaupun selalu cakap keburukan amek medic, I keep my head held high. Tak pandang belakang dah. I made my decision and that's it. No turning back. Tapi sekarang saya jadi keliru. Can I do this? Am I fit enough to be a good doctor? Can I diagnose correctly? Can I treat the patient the way I'm taught? Can I be like my lecturers who are super awesome? Can I? Bimbang. Keliru. Sometimes I feel like giving up. Rasa macam tak layak. Tengok semorang dah progress but me? Still kat takuk yang lama. Even worse, dah turun beberapa anak tangga.  I tried to talk to my close friends abut this. But no help at all....
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