Skip to main content

Sorting Out Life




Evaluating my life right now, and letting go of the thing I held on for almost 2 years. For whats worth.

What are the important things to weigh?
Family, Health especially for my husband, Children's Education, Money

In my state of life right now, I cannot sustain family, health and children's education. Money is okey because of the work I am enduring now to get that. Am I happy? I am not. Why am I not happy?

1. Its too tiring, too demanding

2. This work consume all of me, and I have to still use myself for any other things that are very important in my life ie my husband and my kids well being

3. I am not happy as this is exactly not a kind of doctor I wanted to be. I realised that I survived this for this long because of the people along the journey. And the people slowly fading away, and it has taken a toll on me now.

How am I going to survive for myself and for others if major of my life gives me headache? And something struck my head real hard, this ain't my dream. I am far away deviated from my dream, so I have to find a way to get it back.

And I found it. 

Sort of. I hope this is a way out, despite that I am not sure of whether this is a right thing or not. But this is the only thing that I haven't try yet. Others? Tried already but still, here I am, stuck in this wood.

I am pretty sure I upset a lot of people, and most of the people I told could not agree with my decision except for my husband, Azwa, Hafizah, Davs and Kak Wani but like what a good friend told me before

each and everyone of us has different struggle and ways to solve it, you may upset a lot of people and they said shits to you, but in the end its you who has to live your life and do the struggle, not them. So don't give a shit of what people said, its you and your family in this play.

And yeah she made a point. Points actually. I have to choose my priority and of course, it will always be my Ahmads.

I feel like this is not a rush decision, though I look so desperate while making it, it has been in my head, or at the back of my mind for so long, its just that I am too coward to make a move, or blinded by "things that look pretty on the outside but not on the inside".

And I take a protective measure before making it. I went to see a counsellor. Self referred myself to the counsellor, and she helped me to think clearer.

I just wish everything goes smoothly and people won't hold grudge on me or whatever because if they are really my friend, and feels like I am important to them, they will be happy for what I choose to be happy.

Ok tu je, assalamualaikum
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

♥..Share it..♥

Popular posts from this blog

Doktor Sakit Puan

Sebab aku perempuan, dan pesakit aku semua nya perempuan. Women only. Exclusive kan? Macam tulah Allah jaga aku, with His own ways. Heyy bukan senang aku nak cool je dengan tittle MO O&G ni. Makan dalam bertahun kot. Sobs. Dari student benci gila subjek O&G, sekarang amekau. Sobs lagi sekali. Being in this department wasn't my choice. Family person macam aku ni akan minta dijauhi dari O&G sumpah tak tipu, tapi nak wat acanerr aku insan terpilih. Lepas kena campak kat sini memang jatuh terduduk, tergolek, terdampar. Sampai sekarang masih cuba buang dendam pada dia yang campak aku kat lubang gelap ni walaupun sebenarnya dah agak agak boleh terima hakikat. Kalau terserempak dengan dia mesti akan terngiang ngiang ayat I resent you  Fuhh dia punya dendam tak hengat. Tak pernah aku berdendam macam ni seuumur hidup. Now slowly tengah buang dendam sebab dah boleh terima kenyataan, KOT. Kenapa aku tak suka/ separa benci pada O&G? Sebabnye ...
Post a Comment
more ♫..

Aku dan Lipas.

I had terrible night last night. Siangnya pon agak terible jugakla. Dengan suara garau and muka yang hitam, kepala pusing plus temperature of 38.5 I could barely move. Bedridden. Weehu. And what make it worse? LIPAS. Had 2 scenes with lipas. First was, I found a freaking damn dead cockroach in my mihun tomyam. Imagine: I was like hungry to death and the cafe took like ages to deliver my food. Bila dah sampai I just dug in the food without doing the routine check. Suapan ke dua, I felt something strange about the tomyam. Rasa macam pelik. But keeps on eating cos LAPAR. On my 3rd suapan, I saw something weird floating on the spoon and as I took closer look, I screamed like it was no tomorrow. ADAKAH AKU TELAH MEMAKAN TOMYAM PERASA LIPAS? Omjayyyy!!! Called the cafe and explained the situation to a worker. Dengan pelat indon and bahasa melayu yang kurang mantapnya itu, she kept on asking whether I still kept the lipas I found in her tomyam. Seriously I feel like shouting at her on her f...
16 comments
more ♫..

Saiko

I wonder what had gotten into me before when I used to fight so strong just to be in this course. Babah agak tak suka saya amek course ni. Babah cakap, "You'll have no life." and "Once you step in that field, its equal to learn throughout ur whole life". Tapi saya yang dulu tak kesah ngan semua benda yang babah cakap. As long as he still supports me walaupun selalu cakap keburukan amek medic, I keep my head held high. Tak pandang belakang dah. I made my decision and that's it. No turning back. Tapi sekarang saya jadi keliru. Can I do this? Am I fit enough to be a good doctor? Can I diagnose correctly? Can I treat the patient the way I'm taught? Can I be like my lecturers who are super awesome? Can I? Bimbang. Keliru. Sometimes I feel like giving up. Rasa macam tak layak. Tengok semorang dah progress but me? Still kat takuk yang lama. Even worse, dah turun beberapa anak tangga.  I tried to talk to my close friends abut this. But no help at all....
13 comments
more ♫..