Sorting Out Life

Evaluating my life right now, and letting go of the thing I held on for almost 2 years. For whats worth.

What are the important things to weigh?

Family, Health especially for my husband, Children's Education, Money

In my state of life right now, I cannot sustain family, health and children's education. Money is okey because of the work I am enduring now to get that. Am I happy? I am not. Why am I not happy?

1. Its too tiring, too demanding

2. This work consume all of me, and I have to still use myself for any other things that are very important in my life ie my husband and my kids well being

3. I am not happy as this is exactly not a kind of doctor I wanted to be. I realised that I survived this for this long because of the people along the journey. And the people slowly fading away, and it has taken a toll on me now.

How am I going to survive for myself and for others if major of my life gives me headache? And something struck my head real hard, this ain't my dream. I am far away deviated from my dream, so I have to find a way to get it back.

And I found it. 

Sort of. I hope this is a way out, despite that I am not sure of whether this is a right thing or not. But this is the only thing that I haven't try yet. Others? Tried already but still, here I am, stuck in this wood.

I am pretty sure I upset a lot of people, and most of the people I told could not agree with my decision except for my husband, Azwa, Hafizah, Davs and Kak Wani but like what a good friend told me before

each and everyone of us has different struggle and ways to solve it, you may upset a lot of people and they said shits to you, but in the end its you who has to live your life and do the struggle, not them. So don't give a shit of what people said, its you and your family in this play.

And yeah she made a point. Points actually. I have to choose my priority and of course, it will always be my Ahmads.

I feel like this is not a rush decision, though I look so desperate while making it, it has been in my head, or at the back of my mind for so long, its just that I am too coward to make a move, or blinded by "things that look pretty on the outside but not on the inside".

And I take a protective measure before making it. I went to see a counsellor. Self referred myself to the counsellor, and she helped me to think clearer.

I just wish everything goes smoothly and people won't hold grudge on me or whatever because if they are really my friend, and feels like I am important to them, they will be happy for what I choose to be happy.

Ok tu je, assalamualaikum